Pet Shots
by Channel D
Summary: It's Bring-a-Picture-of-Your-Pet-to-Work Day at NCIS! Why does Tim feel like he's trapped in a bizarre dream featuring strange creatures? Crack!fic, humor, one-shot.


**Pet Shots**

**by channelD**

_written_: on a whim

_rating_: K plus

_genre_: humor or crack!fic. (I need a vacation.)

_characters_: Tim et al

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_disclaimer_: I still own nothing of NCIS.

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Tim McGee dreamed.

It was a pleasant dream, at least at the start. On a fine spring day, work was halted at 1 p.m. sharp so that NCIS employees could show off pictures of their pets.

Everyone had a pet! Even those you would think of as not being animal lovers had one. There were a few murmurs of discontent at not having been allowed to actually _bring _their pets to work, and a few claimed to have their pets outside in the car, just in case the Director changed her mind. That seemed a little strange, and improbable, but dreams have a logic of their own.

The gamut of pets was something to behold. Of course, there were the usual amounts of three-foot-long cats and dogs that spoke German, common in society now, but there were also unusual pets…so many that 'unusual' almost became the new 'usual'.

Tim was proud to show off photos of Flippy, his pet dolphin. Not everyone could successfully keep a dolphin in a small apartment, but both Tim and Flippy were content with the arrangement. Flippy spent most of the day frolicking in the bathtub while Tim was at work, and in the evenings the two of them played Scrabble. Sometimes they invited Jethro, the German-accented German shepherd, to join them, but usually not. Jethro was given to cheating. The best thing about Flippy, Tim decided, was that he didn't use up all the hot water.

Even Tony had a pet (who knew?!). Proudly he passed around pictures of Magdalene, his little burro, who wore a _serape_ and a gaily-flowered bonnet. It wasn't clear from what Tony said how he managed to care for a burro in his apartment. Magdalene looked placid, but in one picture, you could swear that she was _winking _for the camera.

Ziva's pet was Irwin, the tarantula. In one photo Irwin wore a tiny top hat that Ziva had made for him, but most of the time he was content to run around clothes-less. Ziva claimed that their favorite activity together was playing Chopsticks on the piano, although Ziva claimed that Irwin was also fond of watching cartoons on TV and making waffles.

# # #

Ducky had always claimed that the dogs in his house were his mother's. A few people at NCIS (Tim felt a little left out at not having been one of them, particularly since Tony and Ziva had been in the know and were lording that over him) were aware that Ducky had a pet of his own, and now everyone knew: Ducky had the coolest pet imaginable, in Tim's eye: he had a foot-high, living dinosaur. "You mustn't tell anyone about Herman!" Ducky said, over and over. "If the word gets out, the authorities will take him away from me…and I'll have no one to go snipe hunting with!" The old ME wandered off, mumbling sadly.

The esteemed Director, Jenny Shepard, had a pet of her own, of course. Actually, many pets. Even she wasn't sure how many. The pets were a hive of bees, and she claimed to be their queen. The bees made her honey for her breakfast, and when visitors weren't around, she let them have the run of the house, and each slept in a teeny, tiny bed of its own. She claimed they only stung people who were her enemies, and that was why she didn't require a bodyguard most of the time. Oddly, most of the pictures were a little blurred or indistinct…but if the Director said she had bees for pets, then it was so.

Cynthia, Jenny's secretary, wasn't shy about showing off her photos, either. Her pet camel, however, was well-known around NCIS, for most days, Cynthia rode it to work from her home just across the Anacostia river. In fine weather, Cynthia had Sheeba the camel swim across the Anacostia, to the delight of the sailors at the Naval Base. "Most camels don't swim," Cynthia admitted. "Sheeba's told me that's because they don't get much of a chance to, in their native lands. Sheeba's pretty good with the breast stroke, but is terrible at floating on her back."

# # #

Tim tried to turn over and wake up, for he was vaguely aware that he more of an observer to this dream than a participant. But that wasn't easily done. _Wake up!!_ he told himself. It didn't work.

# # #

He saw Jimmy Palmer pulling out his cell phone to show off his pictures. "This is my little Carlo," he said proudly. Carlo was a deer; specifically, a stag. "He's such a card. On weekends, we like to go out driving at night. I'll pull off the road and he'll get out and stand in the middle of the road, and wait for a vehicle to come along and then pretend to be frozen in the headlights! At the last moment he'll run off, and we laugh and laugh. I'll usually let him drive home, although he's a little rough on the clutch."

There were other exotic pets owned by NCIS employees, to be sure: large butterflies, larger moths, tiny tigers, timid wolves, and singing fish. One person claimed to have a dog that had written a best-selling book, but that was exposed as a fib when it was shown that the dog had a poor grasp of basic grammar.

That seemed to be the last of the pets, for surely not everyone would have a pet. What would be the odds? And some people were just not pet people. Some people had other things to devote their non-work hours to.

But then, when it all seemed to be over, there was Gibbs, pulling a couple of well-thumbed pictures out of his wallet. Pictures of an orangutan. "Gilbert," he said. "My friend and boat-building companion for the last three years."

"A red-hea—red haired," Tim said, stumbling. "Nice. Red hair, he has. Fur? Hair."

Gibbs glared. "What are you implying, McGee? Gilbert's a male, after all."

"Nothing, boss. Nothing." _Wake up!! Gah!!! Wake up!!!_

# # #

Jenny clapped her hands to get everyone's attention. "I hope you've all enjoyed our little picture-swap today," she said in her boss-announcement voice. "Maybe we can do this again next ye—"

"Wait! Wait!" Abby ran in from the elevator, waving her arms. "I couldn't leave the test I was running for Gibbs until it finished. But you have to see my picture of my little Snookums."

"You have a pet?" Tony asked, exchanging surprised looks with Tim and Ziva. "You? Ms. Don't-Cage-Us-In Sciuto? You?" To Tim he hissed, "Why didn't you know that she has a pet?!"

"Of course I have a pet! Everyone has a pet! Right, Tim?"

_Wake up!!_ "Yeah. Everyone."

"Here are my pictures—um, somewhere—" She patted all of her pockets, finally finding them in a familiar bulge in a pocket at her ankle.

With a yelp, the people nearest her leaped back. The pictures were of a smiling Abby cuddling a devilish-looking, red-eyed, three-foot high bat; its fangs appearing to drip blood.

"Oh my God, Abby!" Tim cried. "That—that can't be safe to have as a pet!"

"Why do you say that?" Abby sounded genuinely puzzled.

"Because—because it could bi—bi—bite you, and—" Time seemed to freeze for Tim. He was surprised that he would react like this, but then, who wouldn't? (Except for Abby.)

"Tim! Tim! Snap out of it!"

_Wake up!!!_

_# # #_

"Snap out of it, Tim!"

"I don't understand it. It shouldn't be possible, but I'd almost say the lad was dreaming."

_Wake up!!_

_Hold on; I think I _am _awake!_

Tim forced his eyes open. The lids were heavy, but he willed them to stop flickering and show that he was awake now. "What happened?" he groaned. He was lying on a table in Autopsy, with Ducky, Abby, and Gibbs standing around him, looking concerned.

"Ducky tells me you passed out," said Gibbs. "Thought you weren't afraid of needles."

It came back to him now. "I'm not. But then Abby started doing this vampire bat imitation while Ducky was holding the hypodermic, and…"

"And you were one of the few who had a sudden, violent reaction, Timothy," Ducky tutted. "Unfortunate lad, but you'll make a swift recovery. You'll go down as one of the victims of National Flu Vaccination Week."

Tim rolled his shirt sleeve back down. "Er, Ducky…you don't really have a pet dinosaur, do you?"

Ducky chuckled. "Dear heavens, no! Wouldn't that be a sight!"

"And you don't own a giant bat, Abby? And boss; you 're not keeping an orangutan in your base—" Seeing Gibbs' look, he said, "Never mind. I'll just, ah, go back to work now."

"You should rest a bit first, Timothy!" Ducky called after him, knowing that Tim wouldn't likely take his advice.

With Abby also departing, Ducky drew Gibbs aside. "How on earth did he find out about my dinosaur??!"

-END-


End file.
